hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?


You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.


A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.


Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.


I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.


I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room