hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh