[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room