Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
yeah no that’s fair
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
a lot to unpack here
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.