Hmm, not sure about this change
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”