Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.