@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist

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@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@stephenjmolloy

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

@AndyAsAdjective

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down