@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist

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@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@geekonursleeve

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@KentWGraham

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@joelycett

Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’