I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…
-me as a therapist
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
CNN admits to dating Fox News.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’