“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count

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Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?



Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte


“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.


Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.


[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.


AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.


Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….