I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart…
I’m just happy I didn’t bite anyone today.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*looks at clock*
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*lies back down*
Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones