HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Poetry is my passion
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU