@markleggett

HOBBIES INCLUDE:
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak

You Might Also Like

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha

SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@Gooooats

My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666