When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak
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ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666