Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Brb my Sims are getting married
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?