Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

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Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!


“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Undeleted txts
will be used
against you


Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair


“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”


JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)


When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?


DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.


I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT