Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You Might Also Like
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
The Backseat Boys
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.