@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

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@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage

@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

@SamuelHLowe

I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

@okimstillhungry

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?