Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”