Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”


me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out



hitman: is this ur garbage


May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie


I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”


I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.


Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!


When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?