@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

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@Thynebear

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

@daemonic3

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

@krisv_723

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

@broken_rhi

I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???

@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.

@PaperWash

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail