Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls