Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
U talkin 2 me?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on