@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

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@upsidedowntrash

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

@givemeyourbagel

@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”

@AntozWolf

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@KatieBurnett

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

@MaMikeamo

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass