Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?


GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems


@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”


I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.


I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first


One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”


Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?


[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass