Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”