Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Fiction has to make sense.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…