me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Found the job I’m suited for
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen