Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Even in the darkest moments there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, but yours will probably be an oncoming freight train.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point