My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
This kid is a star!