Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Go girl power!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
#parenting
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.