The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
rise and shine we got egg
This makes total sense…
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
This is my favorite one of these!
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*