@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

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@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@AndyRichter

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

@sixthformpoet

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

@AngryBlackLady

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

@BunAndLeggings

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.