Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Meow
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.