WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*swipes right on my hand mirror
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.