Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The news is so predictable nowadays
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain