Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also


hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected


Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*


It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone


Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?


In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.