“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*


Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.


If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.


The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.


me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”