@colesprouse

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@drayzze

If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.

@mattgallo123

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”