“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Not helping
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
is it earth
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”