Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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first you must answer his riddles
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.