Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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Morning.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa