Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Ah..makes sense now
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Good morning, Twitter x
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.