@kibblesmith

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

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@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

@funflaps

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@TheJamesH1

All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.

@emilymaej

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

@casualafro

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

@inthefade

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex