As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it