“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Real House Wines.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song