@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

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@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@SweetTweetsBRO

I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@DaddyJew

Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touch?

@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

@Aintshitjunior

I CANT BELIEVE WE STAYED UP AND SCREAMED HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR THIS BULLSHIT

@david8hughes

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation