[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.