*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker