*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.