[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
You Might Also Like
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.