@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

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@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.

@jordan_stratton

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

@RoosterMustache

DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

@whatmaddness

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@Marlebean

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

@BunAndLeggings

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles