I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.
me: excuse me, do u work here?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
DATE: *gets in car*
ME: hi *starts driving*
DATE: how’s it going?
ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles