*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.