*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner