[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Breaking news:
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
TODAY
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes