Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
TRAIN’S HERE