Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?


Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.


The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.


ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy


SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t


[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said