[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.


what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways


Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?


Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.



*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work

*can’t stay awake


*takes a sip of coffee


I should vacuum the dog


When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?


I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.


Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.