@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

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@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@all_about_today

What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.

@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

@ZackBornstein

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

@ArfMeasures

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy