*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
i choose….tongue
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”