@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

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@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@Schindizzle

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

@PleaseBeGneiss

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

@DrakeGatsby

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

@MrIceMachine

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

@Lisabug74

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee