*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.


A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos


What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.


My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?


Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths


[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules


*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy