My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee