*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I cannot call her anything else now
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what