coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You Might Also Like
How does one answer this?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Cause of death: Zumba
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive