*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? Itโ€™s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.


Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.


doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
me: so do u like the Indians


Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.


The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.


Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.


“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.