@thenatewolf

*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? Itโ€™s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

@iGreenGod

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

@Shame_Is

doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
doc:
me:
doc:
me: so do u like the Indians

@DaddyJew

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

@TheMichaelRock

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.

@Eightinchgoat

Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.