@dxblarssonENG
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
@thenatewolf
*holding my crying child*
Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.
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@dxblarssonENG
@FrazzleMyGimp
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? Itโs one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
@iGreenGod
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
@Shame_Is
doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
doc:
me:
doc:
me: so do u like the Indians
@DaddyJew
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
@TheMichaelRock
The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
@Eightinchgoat
Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.
@ChaseMit
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
@stpeteyontweety
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg