@GatewayHug

*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*

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@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@noog

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

@PeachCoffin

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

@Lhlodder

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

@Marlebean

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”