A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.