[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
This is my bus stop.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.