@Reverend_Scott

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

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@drankturpentine

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@Tolunimii

‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary

@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch