@Reverend_Scott

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

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@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

@leechee420

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@stevevsninjas

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

@dmc1138

I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.

@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?