*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!