@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

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@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@shadygrenade

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

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@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@2tickytacky

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me: