@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

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@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@UnFitz

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

@badbanana

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

@DaveWeasel

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

@AmishPornStar1

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

@kwirkyKerri

Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.