*holds a grudge

Grudge: Get off me.

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Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!


My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.


Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.


My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.


Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”


Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.


911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.