*holds a grudge

Grudge: Get off me.

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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off


If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.


My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.


I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive


Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

The rest of the human race


*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales


This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it


Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.