@Poutymcgee

*holds a grudge

Grudge: Get off me.

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@wendchymes

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

@TheStanchion

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

@MissHavisham

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@T_Bonezzz_

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.