@Poutymcgee

*holds a grudge

Grudge: Get off me.

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@TheBoydP

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@FSUSteve

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet