Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
my mom making me talk to relatives
*jingles half the way*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape