@50ShadesOf_Cray

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

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@bngzyface

I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

@underchilde

I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

@honestly_mom

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”