*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

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I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.


I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.


Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.


Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.


*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.


Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent


One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”