@50ShadesOf_Cray

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

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@TheIronSherk

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

@Browtweaten

Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd

@djdarrellripley

Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

@3sunzzz

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

@mommajessiec

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

@mack44_d

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@clichedout

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.