*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.


Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd


Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”


It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.


Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.



Husband: No, I did not.


Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.


Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.


“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine


her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am


Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.