*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.